TUMULTUARY

often i’ll write about my relationship with God in a way that might be uncomfortable for some. notably, all of my writing about God is in the form of a conversation. i think God values absolute honesty in communication, even if it is at times heretical. i feel when i am able to speak with God like this i am able to strengthen my relationship with him in a way that is honoring to Him. because i do love Him.

this is written as a set of four mirroring a backwards walk through the stages of grief. traditionally there are five stages to grief, the last stage being acceptance. this poem omits acceptance as i feel acceptance is unwritable. acceptance, to me, is a continuous process and since it involves so much change and continuous contemplation, the feeling itself can’t be isolated into a poem.

i wrote beginning with the last stages of grief so as to show the exchange of losing confidence in myself and losing my confidence in God. so here are the four poems and an extrapolation of my times wrestling with grief.

Flōra / Hark!, –
depression

i wrestle with identity and the burdensome weight of being called God’s child amidst my own short comings

-, Bona Dea / Rejoice! Rejoice!
bargaining

although it feels like a fruitless exercise, i call out to God in a way that feels in-line with the Christianity i grew up with

Ichor to Ferry Love, –
anger

the distance in communication with Christ offers little comfort amidst grief and the frequent reminder of ‘a plan’ feels dilapidated and tasteless

-, Tjú
denial

i know who i am and i know who God is but i feel we are asymptotes due to my own stubborn nature

read blood of love here