i’ve got to be it’s got to be

Poetry & Prose September 14, 2019

i was living in the past
a place i knew i could climb the dash

a long day was comfort to
the memories i still pursue

so there’s nothing left to say
but here i am so for once i’ll pray

my mind is numb so i’ll feel it out
if this ends at all it will be in doubt

i’ve got a moment and it’s stuck with me
the time i lost my life on both my knees

the cotton sheets were black and grey
i pressed my nose in the normal way

the sound i heard was my mothers voice
she said it’s time to make the choice

i saw it then as clear as now
my life was His by final vow

and i’ll say it again in another way
by four years old i gave my life away

what life could i at that time hold
by five i learned what might unfold

my neighbor died in her own backyard
her face lay flat and her mouth ajar

i called her name but she just stayed still
like she chose this place by her own freewill

an ambulance came and i went inside
i didn’t know if i should stay or hide

her bones are now twenty-one years old
she’s in a better place or so i’m told

so life is sweet until you read the script
where death and life have meanings flipped

five years passed like a tidal wave
i’d say it pulled me in and taught me grace

music took ahold of me
the radio’s better bliss and the 403

it was a sound i felt inside my bones
i’d pretend to sleep while i wore headphones

but i never learned to play my dads guitar
i always more preferred to read the bars

but i think it came off as a lack of drive
if the idea was yours then it wasn’t mine

that was the beginning of my favorite piece
i started writing verse on music sheets

by sixteen years i was far too young
to start to say my mood was numb

life had then become a choice
like my mother said when i heard her voice

i heard one time you can lose your taste
and the nerves inside will be replaced

like a willful decline as the years unfold
til’ the things you taste are from what you’re told

but at some point you just can’t afford
to learn by the risk of your own accord

that’s when apathy rears it’s head
if i had known the truth i’d have been misled

so you say to seek relief
and dive headfirst into unbelief

and now i host these diatribes
while you listen close and say ‘i get this guy’

so why is it i’m so distraught
i sold my life and someone bought

the trade was fair but i had no say
neither on that Winter night or any other day

by twenty-two i was feeling fine
if i’m not His then at least i’m mine

i started to wish i could speak aloud
but i’m not sure i’d make them proud

the music turned my arts to praise
showing me it wasn’t just a phase

but still i felt misunderstood
i loved myself like no one could

but why do i cry when i hear a song
how do i say there’s nothing wrong

it’s not enough to say it’s nice
there’s something there and it’s so concise

as if the curtain stopped and dropped just for
some thing we knew we could not ignore

but we do and it hit me like the wave at ten
that if He won’t speak then He’ll be just Him

i’m twenty-five and the strange thing is
that i’m pretty much who i was when i started this

if the years go by it will just be time
or intended hills that i’ll have to climb

the purity of belief is that it ages well
and the more you trust then the less you fail

by no means will i give up truth
yet honesty is a retreat to youth

so what point then should i restore
the time has passed since being four

death admits to being blind
and when we all jump ship we leave the past behind

so i’ve got to be an honest man
it’s got to be just me and Him

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